导航菜单

九牛问津:留学文书案例剖析第一例PART 2

九牛问津:留学文书案例剖析第一例PART 2

所有文章索引请见:

【综合】九牛问津专栏检索明细

第一部分请见:

九牛问津:留学文书案例剖析第一例PART 1

本文接第一部分继续剖析:

主体部分(第三段)原文

During the first and second year at college, I spent all the time merely on study and got no idea what doing research means. While In the third year, I happened to meet a professor in my department, who latterly became the most influential person on my way of studying abroad. I was asked to do some simple experiments in hydrogen storage materials. After doing much initial work in this field, we got a chance to apply for a provincial-level research project. We worked so hard on preparing the application. During this process, I gradually grew interested in this study field, which, in my mind, may change the whole social energy system in the future. We finally applied for the project successfully and I was selected to be the team leader in the research group. We worked on that project for nearly one year. Though the work was simple, it is totally original and we got some creative results when the project ended. The most important is that I got obsessed in asking questions and coming up with new ideas. Especially when some obstacles were overcome, I felt greatlyaccomplished. That was the feeling I"ve never had before. When my professor Jiang recommended me to pursue a PhD program in University of Tennessee-Knoxville, I was more than excited at first, while after considerable thinking, I finally refused his recommendation kindly. For one thing, I know I"m still not ready. For another, I firmly believe I"m more than that.

评价:

1、将diligence作为能力,是文书忌讳之四

2、将自己的weakpoints在文书中展示/描述负面内容,是文书忌讳之五

3、对于interest/research experience/internship等问题的阐述时,仅仅陈列过程,体会,收获,而没有solid evidence支撑,是文书忌讳之首!

4、通过空话“吹出”ability/skills,是文书忌讳之六

5、通过对比对方的弱势,来显示自己的优势,是文书忌讳之七

主体部分(第三段)修改后

Desired to level up my expertise in certain field, I pursued graduate studies in an advanced XX research lab at XX University. As a research assistant, I seized every opportunity to enhance my research capability. When the A apparatus was introduced into our lab, I volunteered to assemble and manage the equipment, which afforded me a clear view of its mechanisms. Therefore, when the group encountered issues related to the morphology of particles produced by the apparatus, I proposed to alter the reaction current and inner atmosphere, which significantly improved the sample quality. Meanwhile, during the A analysis of B, I observed a general left-shifting of peaks in the C, which was ignored in the weekly reports. Similar results after repeated experiments prompted me to rule out instrument errors as the cause. After a careful lattice constant calculation, I confirmed that this unnoticeable shifting was caused by the D. My critical thinking and rigorous attitude strengthened my competence, and I was given the go signal to start my independent research.

评价:

1、通过solid evidence证明abilities/skills,是文书必备要素之一

2、通过solid evidence证明abilities/skills来solve specific problems,是文书必备要素之二

3、通过solid evidence证明abilities/skills给自己/团队/课题组 bring concrete benefits,是文书必备要素之三

4、abilities/skills中强调一下“overcome obstacles”这一块,是文书必备要素之四

5、再次利用former experience中的accomplishment作为motivation自然过渡到 next academic experience

希望对写文书的学弟学妹们有所帮助!

留学出国社会热点留学申请文书

郑重声明:本文版权归原作者所有,转载文章仅为传播更多信息之目的,如作者信息标记有误,请第一时间联系我们修改或删除,多谢。